IS there a new trend of being too coy?
--March 26, 2014
Me and my devil stix will be in the park at midnight
--March 26, 2014
Jerry's Dad was once caught having sex with a horse, but can HE tell what makes Cinnamon Toast Crunch taste so great...
--March 26, 2014
I'm realeasing a country music album called "Red, White, & Blue" but it's about France. "She's a pretty little ma, with her je ne sais quoi"
--March 24, 2014
If I died tomorrow, that guy in the Cricket ads would still be the worst thing that ever happened to me.
--March 24, 2014
Hey serious would be authors, NaNo is only 7 months away! Feel free to use my opening line: "He cried out in a thousand moments of pain."
--March 24, 2014
You look like bad guy in a Japanese animation about Dads
--March 23, 2014
New rap term: Botchin. Is when you catch someone watchin you. "Girl I see you Botchin/caught you Botchin at me"
--March 23, 2014
It's a suitcase for boots called a bootcase
--March 23, 2014
Only RAeAl 90s kidz remember roscoes modern life
--March 23, 2014
It was 25 years ago but I still wonder, what did that little kid think when my brother and I told him Satan lived under rocks?
--March 22, 2014
A future where I choose the background color of the text message bubble.
--March 20, 2014
I'm not saying I had the flu. But I did vomit for six hours and yelled "Harry Potter!" when I forgot my dog's name.
--March 17, 2014
Turning 30 tomorrow, and still writing "PROM?" on my own back window.
--March 14, 2014
Man, Vampire Weekend sounded different when they were Paul Simon.
--March 13, 2014
everything takes 2 hours.
--March 13, 2014
So don't start your sentences with so. And don't start your sentences with and. Guys don't start your sentences with guys.It's too familiar.
--March 10, 2014
A nervous Ridley Scott & James Cameron publicly daring Alfonso Cuarón to make a sequel called Gravities
--March 08, 2014
I'm at the world underground patty-cake championships in Taiwan. Cult symbols sewn into my mittens. I've seen some people disappear.
--March 07, 2014
Trauma Queen
--March 07, 2014
Did you say I looked famous, or fab mousse, because I own the copyright to fab mousse.
--March 06, 2014
Serious Reporter voice:"A casual evening of mask-optional sex was delayed, this evening, when--"
--March 06, 2014
Gentlemen, you misunderstand me, I was only asking "which hunt" we should partake in.
--March 6, 2014
Yeah. I'm really good at holidays. I know. All about Easter Rabbit.
--March 01, 2014
Uh no I'm not a hipster. I'm just dressing like this ironically.--March 01, 2014
MARCH 2014
Sext: We're on the beach. I'm wearing a TJ maxx maxinista T-shirt.
--February 27, 2014
the royal taster died last night
--February 27, 2014
get low low low low low
and behold
get low low low low low
a child is born
--February 27, 2014
I'm getting surfboart of hearing that song...
--February 26, 2014
Lost my Realtor license because my business card just says "i know where you live"
--February 24, 2014
The necro-rom-com-icon
--February 22, 2014
Matt went for gum & brought back Trident. Who is he, Ariel's dad ?
--February 22, 2014
"Oh, so JUST because I'm a vampire I SUCK BLOOD?! Fuck you."
--February 21, 2014
I don't know, do I even WANT to go to Decision Camp this year?
--February 21, 2014
"That's Jabill Scort. He lost his hand in a tether ball match. And KEPT playing."
--February 19, 2014
summer hot.allergy.headache.spent an hour writing an artist I admire about new project (hush hush) now work on @spellsaga (settle down now)
--February 19, 2014
Meagen, Matt & I went to deafheaven last night in a small dive. I had no idea they were so theatrical. One of the best shows ever.
--February 19, 2014
..............!................ Sitting in my car gritting my teeth. The idea I just had was no next level shit I don't know how to react
--February 15, 2014
Allstar: the poetry of smash mouth
--February 15, 2014
I thought Castle Wolfenstein was a Jewish law firm
--February 15, 2014
Uh oh, Tumblr. My personal kink IS kink-shaming other people. What are you gonna do NOW?!
--February 15, 2014
Make any funeral fun for kids with a real live Mourn Monkey
--February 15, 2014
the future is hawk rubber
--February 13, 2014
Shipwrecked off sweatsuit island
--February 13, 2014
final fantasy 8 is 15 years old.
--Febraury 13, 2014
don't talk to me about loss. i miss uniracers every god damn day.
--February 13, 2014
well documented that England's only super hero is marma-lad
--February 13, 2014
When I was young, shows had intricate titles that only made sense after a theme song explanation "they are the 3rd warriors of the 4th moon"
--February 13, 2014
When younger I had a Bowie cardboard cut out in my passenger seat. I drove around with a homemade mixtape of rebel rebel & let's dance.
--February 12, 2014
Goth Lifting: one last rep for Satan.
--February 11, 2014
Nowhere in the Bible does it say "two manta rays butt-fucking against a glass wall".
--February 09, 2014
Hip kids now feeling pressure to switch to home phones. "I told you I don't get texts I'm strictly landline"
--February 09, 2014
John McLain stuck in a Michael's craft store in a movie called DIY HARD
--February 09, 2014
Next year will be the year: D-energy drink "5 hour slow down" a commercial of Sean White in a snowboard race against a cgi sloth named sandy
--February 08, 2014
He writes alternative history. Y'know, like what if No Doubt & Bush were in the Civil War
--February 07, 2014
Harry Turtledove writing a book about Egyptian Pharaoh's in corporate America called "Macy's Thanksgiving Day Pyramid Parade"
--February 07, 2014
"And this next song's about my childhood fear of a little band called Wilson Phillips..."
--February 06, 2014
Uh, it's called Rollerskanking, Dad and you wouldn't get it
--February 05, 2014
Don't tell Satan I'll be late to the secular ball
--February 04, 2014
"Socially inept, or socially ADEPT?" I ask myself, shuffling into my snake costume.
--February 03, 2014
Gluten Free Tibet
--February 02, 2014
FEBRUARY 2014
Kicked out of a Pokemon ccg tournament for playing the race card.
--January 27, 2014
What was Meredith Brooks again?
--January 27, 2014
Spent an hour of my life writing just one paragraph. My only regret is that I do not have the patience for a second hour.
--January 26, 2014
Lisa Frank Frazetta
--January 24, 2014
No, no please. Mr. Rogers was my Father's name. Call me Delicious Slam Dunkin' Count Jockula.
--January 23, 2014
I can text a sentence that ends in a tiny hot dog picture but I can't italicize the word pointless.
--January 23, 2014
I don't want to say I'm getting too good at skinning web pages but I only respond to my hacker name and my hacker name is Kabbalah Abdul
-January 22, 2014
This chapter is a handful of crayons and none of them are silver.
--January 21, 2014
Smoking looks cool. Everyone does it. So if you wanna look cool. You gotta up your game. Six feet long cigarettes.
--January 20, 2014
WILL the next Kingdom hearts have a "Saving Mr. Banks" world.
--January 20, 2014
I wanna use your teeth like coins on a toll bridge to fight land.
--January 20, 2014
Hell fuckin' yeah. Drop that chapter like a sheet of stained glass and make a better picture. #novelling
--January 19, 2014
The first 50 pages of this novel have already jumped +30 or so pages. The first draft was 700. If the growth keeps up it will end over 1000
--January 19, 2014
My skateboard doctor says I look "sick" but I think that's good?
--January 18, 2014
The cover if a digital book that changes the more you read it. Pay me.
--January 13, 2014
cut to: the guy at the funeral home who calls everyone Superstar.
--January 13, 2014
What is the best way for me to express my childish excitement over hearing PONPONPON by Kyary Pamyu on the Simpsons?
--January 13, 2014
Me sneaking into a secret Southern meeting at Applebee's: "I'll have a Mountain Dew salad."
--January 11, 2014
i can educate myself. he typed into twitter. it had been centuries since man had last made a roar. but it seemed like one to him nonetheless
--January 10, 2014
workplace motivational posters that say "it's 9am somewhere, get shift faced!"
--January 09, 2014
I dreamed of accidental travel to the 1800s. An idea became a child. We adopted her. The moon in the sky was a Victorian stage play.
--January 09, 2014
new dreams. I read a book while I was inside a book. It was a nightmare. "the thing that exited the train was not his brother"
--January 09, 2014
so begins the new year. The novel is being fixed. slowly. Spell Saga is coming together. slowly. Loved ones. cold. drinks. winter poultice.
--January 09, 2014
write. clarity. flow. feeling.
--January 05, 2014
Writing.
--January 05, 2014
"And your name is Mark, am I bronouncing that right?"
--January 05, 2014
An army of men. Growing the sides of their hair back. Last year's haircut accidentally shared. I become their god.
--January 02, 2014
JANUARY 2014
